Mexican Story Time

Translated and slightly edited by me.

El Enano de Uxmal

Once upon a time, there was a witch who lived in a forest near the city-kingdom of Uxmal. She lived there with only her owl and her black cat, and because of this, she was very lonely (the owl could talk, but only about gardening).

One dark and windy night, the witch flew to see three ancient sages who lived in a cave in the mountains. She said to them, "O Learned Ones, I live only with my owl and my black cat, and I am lonely. Please, help me."

The most ancient of the sages asked, "What? Doesn't your owl talk? I thought witches' owls could talk." One of his brothers whispered something to him. "... only about gardening?" muttered the oldest, disgusted. "Okay, lady. We'll help you out."

Out of a basket, the sages produced an enormous egg. They surrounded it and spoke some magic words (hell yeah, they know magic). Then they told the witch, "Take this egg home, wrap it in a blanket, and keep it near your fire so that it stays warm. And for God's sake, don't eat it. Gross." She thanked them, and flew home with an enormous egg tied to her broom.

After months of resisting the urge to make the greatest omelet ever, there came a great day when the egg hatched. Out stepped a young child, walking and talking. "Ohmigod, you are SOOO cute!" cried the witch. "C'mere, snookums!" And she loved him and snuggled with him often, enchanted by his cuteness. Oh yeah, he was also really fuckin' smart. Like a PhD or something.

After 3 years, Snookums stopped growing. He was a dwarf. I'm talking Uno-sized here.

One day, while the witch was out drawing water from the well, Snookums contemplated the fire in their home. The witch attended to it very carefully, day and night. He decided to investigate. "Let's see what that old bitch is hiding from me," he said to the owl and the cat. The owl replied, "Dahlink, hast du seen meine geraniums this year? Simply mahvelous, ja?"

Snookums lifted the broad, flat rock that the fire burned on and peered underneath. There, he saw a gong and a mallet. "Fuckin' cool, dude!" he cried. He immediately grabbed it and rang.

The thunderous boom of the gong completely drowned out his shout of "Wuaaaaah!" The sound resonated through the forest. All the people of Uxmal heard the sound and paused, stunned. Most shocked of all was the elderly king of Uxmal. He, and all of his people, knew that whoever sounded the gong was prophesied to be the next king of Uxmal.

The witch arrived home at just that moment, and caught her puny son standing there in the Flying Camel fighting stance, gong in hand. "Snookums, you little shit!" she cried. "I'd get you a babysitter, except... well..."

"Well, what?"

Before the witch could answer, one of the king's messengers arrived, out of breath. "Smallfry... (pant) you're with me." And so it was the dwarf was taken to see the king, who awaited him underneath the oldest, grandest tree in his majestic garden.

The king explained the whole gimmick: if Snookums passed three difficult tests, he would become king of Uxmal. "So, um, whaddya say, Footstool?" the king asked. Snookums agreed to be tested.

"Okay, test number one: how much fruit is in this freakin' huge tree behind me?" Without hesitation, the dwarf replied: "Ten times one hundred thousand times six times two plus seventeen times eight."

The king stared. "WTF kind of answer is that, Frodo? Whatever, I'm keeping this crown. Guards, get Napoleon here out of my-" But before he could finish, the owl flew down and said, "But dahlink, ze kleiner Esel is right." The king begrudgingly accepted the judgement of the owl, who was widely known for her gardening prowess (what, you thought I just threw that in for no reason?).

For the second test, one of the king's most sadistic officials broke an entire basket of coocnuts over the dwarf's head, one by one. "What kind of test is this?" Snookums asked. "Ounno, I just hate short people. Haven't you heard that Randy Newman song?" replied the king. Unbeknowst to him, however, the witch had snuck an enchanted piece of rock into the dwarf's hair that prevented him from feeling any pain. He survived the entire basket of coconuts, plus a watermelon.

For the third test, the king left it up to the gods and his own bastardliness. "We will make statues of ourselves and burn them. Whichever one survives, will be declared king." The king made three statues of himselves out of three different, very hard, woods. He thought he was really fuckin' clever. Jackass.

The dwarf, on the other hand, made a statue of clay. Needless to say, the king felt like a dumbass. The dwarf was crowned king, but he had to wear the crown around his neck because it was way too big for his dinky little head. And the people rejoiced, because the main industry in Uxmal was political cartoons.

The moral of the story: La inteligencia se mide de la cabeza al cielo. (Intelligence is measured from the top of the head to the sky). Basically, short people are smart and tall people are dumb. And it really helps if you've got a witch for a mom and a Martha Stewart owl who isn't incarcerated somewhere.